At least I should be by now...at the rate I'm going...swelling up like a ginormous round blueberry! I not only fell off of the wagon, but I hitched a ride on a speeding train going in the opposite direction. In short...I AM NOT ON PROGRAM! I have gained 4.4 lbs which is everything I lost when I got home plus 2. I am trying to figure out what happened other than that giant piece of chocolate-toffee cake from The Chocolate Bar that I fell into head first. Maybe it was the giant plates of nachos eaten on 3 different occasions with a large frozen Sangria. I know...it was the BRICK of chocolate-peanut butter-Butterfinger fudge. Nope...the pizza...that's the one. All of that crap combined with minimal exercise means that I was way over budget leading to an equivalent of 8 STICKS OF BUTTER oozing its way onto my once slimming waistline; at least mathematically and chemically this is how it works. Unfortunately, the "WHY" goes so much deeper and is a billion times more complicated. I am not even sure that I understand what happened to make me binge with the big-timers. Since coming home from the resort, there has been a part of me that feels painfully lonely and super scared. I don't want to hurt my partner by telling her these things, because I know it makes her feel like she is failing me in some way. But I MISS my people from the resort...my friends...my trainers...the people who became my family. I don't know how to do this without them...how to stay on the treadmill when everything hurts...to go to the gym when I'm having a bad day...to let people who are not them now how hard this is every single day or when I'm angry or depressed or feeling weak. Instead of expressing all of this mess I eat until all I can feel is the weight of the food and the disgust with myself. It makes me feel like a failure...the resort was my last chance to get this right. I spent all of our money and then some to "make this critical change", and I come home and throw it away in a matter of weeks! I AM SO ANGRY! I need a support system and a new plan before I drown, but I don't know how to create this for myself. Emily wants to be that person and works hard to be that person but for some reason I can't let her. I honestly don't even know what to ask for. So here I am allowing myself to cry for the first time since coming home, which feels pretty damn good. NOW WHAT DO I DO before the Oompa Loompas roll me away?!