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Wednesday, April 27, 2011

"Your Turning violet Violet!"

At least I should be by now...at the rate I'm going...swelling up like a ginormous round blueberry!  I not only fell off of the wagon, but I hitched a ride on a speeding train going in the opposite direction.  In short...I AM NOT ON PROGRAM!  I have gained 4.4 lbs which is everything I lost when I got home plus 2.  I am trying to figure out what happened other than that giant piece of chocolate-toffee cake from The Chocolate Bar that I fell into head first.  Maybe it was the giant plates of nachos eaten on 3 different occasions with a large frozen Sangria.  I know...it was the BRICK of chocolate-peanut butter-Butterfinger fudge.  Nope...the pizza...that's the one.  All of that crap combined with minimal exercise means that I was way over budget leading to an equivalent of 8 STICKS OF BUTTER oozing its way onto my once slimming waistline; at least mathematically and chemically this is how it works.  Unfortunately, the "WHY" goes so much deeper and is a billion times more complicated.  I am not even sure that I understand what happened to make me binge with the big-timers.  Since coming home from the resort, there has been a part of me that feels painfully lonely and super scared.  I don't want to hurt my partner by telling her these things, because I know it makes her feel like she is failing me in some way.  But I MISS my people from the resort...my friends...my trainers...the people who became my family.  I don't know how to do this without them...how to stay on the treadmill when everything hurts...to go to the gym when I'm having a bad day...to let people who are not them now how hard this is every single day or when I'm angry or depressed or feeling weak.  Instead of expressing all of this mess I eat until all I can feel is the weight of the food and the disgust with myself.  It makes me feel like a failure...the resort was my last chance to get this right.  I spent all of our money and then some to "make this critical change", and I come home and throw it away in a matter of weeks!  I AM SO ANGRY!  I need a support system and a new plan before I drown, but I don't know how to create this for myself.  Emily wants to be that person and works hard to be that person but for some reason I can't let her.  I honestly don't even know what to ask for.  So here I am allowing myself to cry for the first time since coming home, which feels pretty damn good.  NOW WHAT DO I DO before the Oompa Loompas roll me away?!

4 comments:

Josh and Megan said...

CRY!!! BE PISSED!!! THAT WHOLE BINGE THING SUCKS... however...
You now have a choice:

1.)MOVE ON
2.)WALLOW in fear of failing.

It wasn't US that MADE YOU MOVE at the RESORT...IT WAS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!
You moved. You got on the treadmill. You walked when you didn't want to. We were just there to TELL YOU TO DO IT!


JUST DO IT! Get your mentality back crunches and cupcakes!!

GO! DO IT!
(i'm telling you now...YOU DON'T NEED THE RESORT...it's in YOU)

You will have CRAPPY DAYS and you will have AWESOME DAYS!! It's HOW you bounce back from your crappy days that will make or break you.....So GO MAKE YOU!!!

Start blogging every other day or so and write it all down! I wanna see you "MAKE YOU"!!!

Jen's blog said...

Will you call me?? I wanna be your support! I miss you Amanda! My # is 203-727-4288. Anytime girl! I mean it, call me! I wanna help you through this!

-Jen Silver :)

David and Crystal said...

This happens to everyone who has ever tried to lose weight. But it sounds to me like you are STRONG. Don't let the pizza win! It is hard, but once you get momentum going it is so much easier. I have struggled with my weight my for a long time, and here is what has worked for me.
1. There are some foods and drinks that are just off limits because I know I can't take just one bite or one sip. Like french fries and margaritas. I know this doesn't work for some people because they feel deprived, but for me I just don't think of those things as an option. And now it's not even hard to say no.
2. Make exercise a habit. I find that if I work out at the same time every day it starts to feel like my routine, and I even miss it if I can't do it. Crazy, I know.
3. Find a distraction. When you feel like eating and you know you shouldn't really be hungry, go shopping, show your dog some love, or do something that gets your mind off of it. And most of all, picture yourself at your goal weight. Really get into the details. What do you arms look like, your abs, etc.
4. Get lots of sleep. I feel STARVING when I am sleepy.
I hope these help! You have already proven you can do this, so let your frustration motivate you! Best of luck!

Josh and Megan said...

Thinking of you today!
How'd you do today?
What did you do today that "MADE YOU?"