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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Day 3 - Shackles & Mountains

"WHY ARE YOU HERE?!"  The theme of today, or at least it seemed.  We were asked this so many times...during the "Emotional Eating" lecture, while kickboxing, and during "Mountain" class (which I will have to explain at some point.)  The obvious answer right, "To lose weight."  "OK, so WHY do you want to lose weight?  Dig deep!  WHY ARE YOU HERE?!"  Because...
  • I want to have a baby
  • I want to love myself unconditionally
  • I want to stop taking so many damn medications
  • I want a healthy relationship with food...stop eating when I'm full, eat when I'm hungry, eat to fuel my body, eat without guilt, eat without shame, stop eating in secret, and eat without emotion
  • I want to live a long and happy life
  • I want to be a wife...a good wife...even a sexy wife...or at least one who can get in and out of bed without doing this weird leg kick thingy for momentum
  • I want to stop apologizing so damn much
  • I want to run with my dog who wants nothing more than for me to chase her when we are at the dog park
  • I want to stop avoiding my reflection because I hate what I see
I know I am here for reasons I don't even understand yet, but one thing I know is that today this stopped becoming about a number on a scale. My body is capable of so much, but my mind with all of its nasty doubt and negative self-talk is like wearing shackles.  I just can't find the key.  I cried 3 times today in frustration because I just couldn't get my mind right. After a lifetime of self-hate I think it is going to take some practice. 

Mountain class was the most physically and mentally challenging thing I have done in a very long time.  Here is a basic break down of how it works...
  • Pick a cardio machine (I chose the treadmill)
  • 4 min Warm-up
  • 2 min Baseline
  • Every 2 min for 12 rounds you increase your intensity (defined as speed, resistance and/or incline) until you reach the "top of your personal mountain."
  • 4 min at the top of your mountain
  • Cool down and stretch
For me, my goal was a 3.2 speed at an incline of 8.  I've never even walked at incline on a treadmill before.  At 2.9 with an incline of 6 the ugly words, "I can't, " came from my mouth and flooded my brain.  Do you know how much harder it is to do something when everything in your soul is saying YOU CAN'T, YOU CAN'T, YOU CAN'T! But I DID!  At 3.1 my knees told me no way, which I've learned is just about the only ache you don't push through, so I put it back down to 2.9, hit my incline of 8, and held it for 4 minutes. I couldn't stop the tears when I was done, and while I can say I feel proud now they weren't tears of pride.  I was just so frustrated with myself...I should be the one person I should not have to battle with.  I should encourage myself, nurture myself, and love myself.  Until then, I'll continue to rely on the support of the trainers, my fellow BLRs, and my friends and family. 

In other news, I'm showing progress on the hikes and today's was great.  By great I mean I was still scared out of my mind, it hurt like hell, was super challenging, the views were amazing, our guides were awesome, and I totally finished. I am currently in the beginners group, so we hike for 2 hours, which ends up being 5 miles. Below are some pictures from today.  Love y'all!

The Ocean!

Beautiful view after a climb.

More pics of the water.

Part of our team. T.J. and Sean were our guides and they were amazing! She is in the front in the highlighter shirt,which all lead guides wear, and he is in the back in red.

How pretty!

Lots of tics, but this pic/tic is a little fuzzy.


Anonymous said...

I hope today goes well. Keep going you are strong and you will make it.

aMonthsQuest said...

You're doing GREAT!! Keep it up! ... it really does get easier, both on the mind & body. :)


The Sparkly Queen said...

Thanks so much! It means a lot to have the support.

Wendy said...

I can feel your burn, your pride, your pain, your determination! You paint with your words and I can't wait for YOU to see the Amanda I know. I am thinking about you daily and I'm so excited for you. Can't died when you signed up for this class and it seems like every step of the way you are proving that to your self. Way to go Amanda! I am so proud of all you have done so far!!! I can't wait to read more. I hope your sleeping well!
Love, support, hugs.